why is it so hard?

ok. lets start at the very very very beginning, starting in about grade 3 or 4. i had my first crush. i couldnt stop thinking about him - ever. my friend got her first boyfriend. i was a bit jealous to start with, but got over that quickly. i was her support. i helped her think of what to get him for his birthday, when they had fights i would try help solve it, and when they broke up, i told her it would be okay, he was stupid anyway. and since then, that has been my position in relationships. the friend. but always liked that same guy, always just wanting to tell him so i could have what my friends had. years passed, and i had been there for my friends, all having bfs, then breaking up, bf, breaking up, bf, breaking up, jess always on the side lines, being the support, just wishing she could have the same as she saw her friends having. i know alot about relationships, but not from my own experience. ive seen it soooo many times with my friends i know it down pat. til grade 7 i still liked the same guy, through all of that. my friends convinced me it was love (lol). finally, i got the guts to tell him. i was so ready. i knew i could do it. so that night, i told him. he didnt reply for a while, but then he said - uh oh. and i was like oh crap. so i asked him what? and he said he liked me too (at this point i was sooo happy) but then he said that he liked this other girl as well, and (the worstt bit) she had asked him out that day at school. i was crushed. if only i had been quicker. i was absolutely heartbroken. i cried myself to sleep for at least a week.


but the whole friends going out with guys didnt stop. so i kept on going being the best friend, always there for them. i liked different guys from then, but got over them etc. now, this year, i finally find a guy i really like. michael. i thought he was absolutely perfect. he doesnt treat me younger than i am, he doesnt treat me like a girl, we get along really well, he doesnt keep stuff from me that he thinks i cant handle, he seemed perfect. then we confessed to each other that we liked each other, and were sort of like bf and gf for a while. i think about a month. i had waited so long for something like this. then i broke it off with him last night.

but wait!! before you start thinking, but she's crazy! he was perfect. yes, he was. but let me explain something first. i get these vibes from people. this may sound crazy, but i do. i can tell whether i like someone before i even talk to them, like my friends friend, i have never talked to her, but i have stood near her and i can just tell that i do not like her at all. but enough of that..............

with michael, in the movies a few days ago we held hands, and i thought it was the best thing ever. then after the movies, at home, i was thinking about it, and about michael, and just thought that this was all wrong. completely wrong. what was i doing?? the more i thought about it, the more i realised, michael's vibe was a friend one. the type i would get from one of my guy friends at school, and the more i thought about it, the more i realised, this relationship wasnt going to work out, even if it did start, it wouldnt last. just because i would have gone into it with a doubt.

i dont think michael realises how much i am sorry. i thought he understood, but noo. he showed me he doesnt, because he told me was a bit angry at me. yeah, he said he was more sad, but the angry bit shows me he doesnt understand. there is no way i would have just dumped him for no good reason. i would not, especially after all the heartbreak i had been through, i did not at all want to put someone else through it, and i thought so much about this before i did it. he just doesnt understand, and now i am actually quite annoyed with him.

its just frustratinggg. why does it have to be so hard to tell people how we feel, or dont feel?? *sigh*